Night Walks

Nothing woman.

I am not normal. 

I have not been recently. My psychology looks like sinus waves in the coordinates system.

I am trying to study for my Shakespeare final which is tomorrow and I am analyzing Hamlet. Ophelia went crazy after her father’s dad, and all the descriptions after this section is quite fitting to me. Her clothing was random and her hair was messy.

Hair, hair..  I haven’t touched my hair for two days.

Not a single touch.

It was messy.

Hamlet is tragedy for everyone. Hamlet’s actions affected everyone.

But my case is different. I am not a prince of Denmark.

There is no power I have to make others eventually interested.

Neither I have caring people. Yes, this is what I thought.

Can I use some help?

What kind of help are we talking about?

I do not think so.

I do not have Horatio and if I had, would it change anything?

Would things be different for Hamlet and all the other characters if Hamlet is more loved? Or what would happen if Ophelia has a mother?

I can not answer them.

I am not Hamlet who could not take action when he should have and gave the right answers to all of these questions.

I am more like Ophelia. Borderline. On the edge most of the time.

I am the nothing woman of Shakespeare.

And only help is love..

All I need.

horrible

The first thing that I did today is to check my e-mails.

These proffessors are just too much to handle.

I am so close to a mental breakdown.

Tomorrow, well today, I have two finals.

Was I able to study?

Not at all.

Sokayım finaline.

what’s gonna happen to me.

Sometimes I feel breatheless, eventhough I have not smoked.

While taking night walks.. 

Still I have no idea what is going to happen to me. 

I am living the times that I have been thinking years ago. I was assuming that I will be freaked out coz of things going on. Yes there are many things going on. This week is final week. And I am dealing to make myself and sit down and study. The moment that I truely start everything is far and far away. I am focused and no way to distract me. It is kind of meditation to me as it was my cave when I was 18-19. By the way, I am about to become 24. And I can not remember what I was thinking about myself being 24. Am I in the right place? While writing my shoulder muscles are getting more sour. Am I the person who was supposed to be? Or am I disappointing myself..

Many many questions.

Do I have a wish for my 24?

For myself, not much.

For my loved ones there are many.

They are almost the same.  Always and always I want my loved ones to live, be healthy and be happy. I am a maternal person, my happiness can not be completed without my loved ones’ happiness. It does not matter how far they are away from me. And look, it is like a plot to me that I say “it does not matter”. Always distances breaks my deal, when I feel the hurt in my throat I understand it.

It is not physical, it is my sorrow accumulates in my throat and makes it harder for me to swallow or breathe. Neverthless, all the most loved ones are away. The ones  here with me right now, for sure they will be far away too by taking some memories of me, some pieces of me, a mind piece of me to an unknown future.

The story of a human life is unpredictable.

Mine is absolutely not like what I was thinking.

I did not know that I will end up with this current situation. But I did.

Am I sad about it?

No, not really. Because I know the ways that I have passed to end here.

And I have chosen many of them to be honest.

As I said him “let’s see what’s between us then think about your leaving later.”

Did I have any idea that I will fall in love with this guy while saying that.

Absolutely not..

If I would have known it and still said it to him, I would just go and beat her to make her run away according to my judgement right now.It is the answer to myself, to the everyday’s question. Why did I do it? Why did I take my guard down? I did not. Noone did. Life happened to me.

Now a week left. Now I am taking deep breathes and try to graduate and let him go with my heart.

Away..

Hopefully not too far.

sick and tired

I am sick.. allergies or something but it is quite hard to breathe. And I have control dynamics midterm tomorrow. I have studied enough to be average I guess but I have no power to keep on. I tried to meditate today, it worked but not completely coz I have many many things in my mind running. Can not get them away.. well, I have no idea what will I do in my future. And there too many parameters that I should consider… 

http://www.moneyisnotimportant.com/post/20169196930/6-ways-to-sabotage-your-career